10. Count down. It's not a dramatic technique, it's just proper form, like punctuation and grammar.
9. Start strong, end strong. This is where Letterman fails: number one is always a weak item, chosen for its length. You're probably writing your list for Internet reading, so you want people to remember the good bits (and show their friends). They'll remember the first and last items.
8. Build a pattern by using the same sort of joke, or referring to the same extraneous thing, at least three times.
7. Don't get cutesy and self-referential. It wastes 10% of your space.
6. Theme #1: Make your list actionable. "Ten ways to __." Then if you run out by #3, you still have a solid how-to. (By the way, now is about time for instance #2 of that joke.)
5. Theme #2: Focus on something that pisses you off. "10 Things I Hate About You" is the Ur-list. Or try a sarcastic take on what pisses other people off, like "10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage Will Ruin Society."
4. Theme #3: Tie disparate cultural elements together. For example, various robots. Everyone will recognize one, no one will recognize all, and discussion will ensue.
3. To that end, leave room for a clever reader to add items. Have a comment form, so when someone outdoes you, they're doing it on your site.
2. Include pictures if you can.
1. As with any attention-getting piece, link it up. If you do it right, you're showing you "did research" and didn't just "steal from your friends."

This is an installment of Diggbait, a daily column by Nick Douglas, who also writes for Eat the Press.

1. Starting at 6. This is an awful time for two reasons: It makes everyone rush from work (wait, who even leaves work before 6?) and it cuts right into dinnertime. People will come late. (Disclosure: I will be late either way.) If you must, at least don't leave guests with:
2. No food. If an event begins from 5 to 7:30 and goes longer than an hour, people will be skipping or delaying dinner. That will distract them. Plan catering ahead and advertise that you have done so. It's not crass, it's providing for your guests.
3. No booze. You probably need liquor, and it probably needs to be free. This only applies in a stand-up, social event — though wine is tasteful after a lecture. In fact, when is wine not tasteful?

4. Scant attendance. No one likes to be part of a sparse crowd in a big room. (Maybe you shouldn't have scheduled for 6.) Get your fliers out there, invite a block of people. Just don't seed an event with local grad-schoolers getting class credit or an office memo titled "mandatory." That's like telling someone to be your friend, and it will only make you enemies.
5. Boring speakers. It's okay to have some; not everyone's an entertainer. That's why you invite an MC or panelist who is. But for a panel, ensure that at least two of your informed speakers are also entertaining. Ask someone who's heard them speak or search them on YouTube.
6. Running too long. Notice there is no Cutting too short. I have never been at an event that cut too short.
7. No afterparty. Granted, I've been at events that cleared out too quickly. Let people mill about. If the venue has another event booked, arrange a second location and inform everyone in the pre-event publicity or an onstage announcement. If the event's really good, an exclusive afterparty is acceptable. At this point, refer to another Valleywag guide: Do tech people do drugs?

This is the third installment of Diggbait, a daily column about life in the tech world. Earlier, Diggbait covered the eight people you meet on Digg.com and how clicking the button below buys toys for hospitalized children. Photo by Thomas Hawk.

• The speakers: Heavyweights like Google CEO Eric Schmidt, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, and venture capitalist Ram Shiram. They're here to prove their relevance to those enamored with Web 2.0. They also attracted the lesser-known speakers — going onstage with Bezos is like opening a concert for Death Cab.
• The attendees: Three types: starfuckers, schmoozers, and cynics. The starfuckers will take notes on Schmidt's talk. The schmoozers will call the home office on Wednesday for a refill of business cards. The cynics will open an IRC chatroom (a "backchannel") to mock the presenters.
• The venue: San Francisco's Palace Hotel. Posh, and conveniently located across the street from the House of Shields, a classic bar owned by local videoblogger Schlomo Rabinowitz and popular with the cynics.
• The local Starbucks: Line out the door all week. Suck it up and drink the hotel's coffee.
• The talks: Expect the bold names to spout vapid but quotable lines about community and the future. Expect the filler presenters to explain their products — a careful ritual, as the presenter must not admit that no one knows what his or her product — Ning, for example — does.
• The name: O'Reilly is officially renaming this from "conference" to "summit," to distinguish it from O'Reilly's "expo" coming up next spring. +5 pretension bonus.

What Alessi meant, of course, was "We are so behind." Maybe there's an equipment shortage, or maybe they're just running on the Microsoft launch schedule. But for future reference, here's a list of ways to cover your ass.

• When: You want to stonewall reporters on an insightful question. Say: "We are currently investigating the matter internally." Risk: You investigate, you commit fraud while doing so, and your CEO ends up stonewalling Congress, which is not so easy.
• When: Someone leaked how much you spent on an acquisition. Say: "We do not comment on rumors or speculation." Risk: Reminding everyone that you thrive on rumors and speculation.
• When: You need to divert attention from your upcoming iPhone. Say: "Here's the new iPod nano (Product) RED!" Risk: None, you're Apple, you're golden.

Blu-ray's Hardware Woes Stacking Up [Slashdot]

Today, TechCrunch writer Marshall Kirkpatrick wrote an entire entry about Zooomr's upload limits. Why was this newsworthy? Because Zooomr compared its new limits to the smaller ones at a major competitor, Yahoo's Flickr.

TechCrunch loves a good David-beats-Goliath story, and pitting a two-man startup (18-year-old Kristopher Tate and photographer-spokesman Thomas Hawk, pictured) against the robust property of Internet giant Yahoo turns a boring upgrade into an item.

There are, of course, more reasons. I've seen Tate and Hawk attend more and more dot-com parties, building friendships with other party-circuit regulars like TechCrunch founder Michael Arrington.

And Tate made a brilliant move hiring Hawk, a talented photographer who delights fellow party-goers by shooting portraits — which he publishes on Zooomr. The upshot: Everyone enjoys Hawk's flattering photos and Zooomr gets a halo effect. Meanwhile, everyone meets Hawk, who introduces them to Tate.

So a startup can get attention from TechCrunch two ways:

• Spin every small step as a victory over the competition.
• Learn a party trick.

Zooomr Doubles Flickr's Monthly Photo Upload Limits [TechCrunch; photo by Thomas Hawk]

I'm poking around into the weeds at the side of the road looking for a "Web 2.0" (don't—just don't) startup to get rich in, preferably in six to eight weeks. Any leads?

Good question, Broad. There are several routes to dot-com success, all following an archetypal pattern: the Dirty Rotten Scoundrel.

Stage 1: Pick a startup

• Find something carpetbagging VCs are salivating for and will pay you cash for. "Citizen Media" is hot this month, what with the $1.65 billion YouTube buyout and Sequoia Capital's $5 million investment in PopSugar. That'll put you in Content Land, a magical place where companies get millions but spend pennies on bloggers (who, thanks to a weak dollar, are cheaper than Chinese World-of-Warcraft gold farmers).
• Or for a technology bid, play with buzzwords: Ruby on Snails, Abuser-generated content, Anti-bacterial Ajax. The stupider the phrase, the more exciting the business — after all, no competitors!

Stage 2: Grab the cash

• Shop for gullible investors. Smart ones will turn you down. Venture capitalist Paul Kedrosky, for instance, answered the reader's question with "Buy a tri-state lottery ticket."
• One way to find these investors is to look at other silly startups and see who paid them millions. Which distracted investor at Y Combinator invested in Kiko despite the plethora of other, better web calendar startups?
• Or run a blog search on Technorati for the phrases of an investor who's caught the fever: "__ doesn't get it" is the best mark of a true believer, but also look for "we talk through blogs" (the notion is pretentious and the use of we shows the writer thinks Web 2.0 is a club) and "Web 3.0" (especially if your startup works on mobile phones or 3d).

Stage 3: Hit the circuit

• Stirr, SF Tech Sessions, SF New Tech, SV New Tech, SF Beta — you could not only schmooze every night of the week, you could demo your site to hundreds of young VC associates, biz-development pros, and flacks.
• Pick a persona: regular Joe who had an idea in the shower, bold innovator in the model of Google's Sergey Brin, or nerdy engineer (minus the anti-social part, unless you have a wingman to "force" you to meet investors).
• Your conversation partner is having a gin and tonic. You are having a Sprite — either discreetly order so no one knows you're the only sober one in the room, or always take your car. "Just a soda, sorry — driving."

Stage 4: Grab the cash, part 2

• This stage is a great option if you skimped on Stage 2. Bootstrapping your own company means you can find a buyer and keep the money for yourself.
• You did remember to weasel out of promising your partners and employees any money, right?
• Repeat after me: "My financial advisor advises me to decline a vesting requirement." Substitute with "attorney" or "yoga instructor" as necessary.
• No, you can't sell to Google. They may know how to buy a company like Dodgeball or Blogger and let it rot, but even a lousy purchase has to look great at first. Can you really fake it that well?
• Two words: News Corp.
• One word: Viacom.
• You can't have your funding and eat it too — it'll be damn hard to find a gullible investor and a gullible buyer, and all the paperwork will become evidence when your scam is finally uncovered.

Stage 5: Run away!

• Cook the books, open a secret account, transfer the money and book it.
• Exit strategy 1: Mexico.
• Exit strategy 2: Russia.
• Don't even think about it: New York City. They may be even more nuts over dot-coms out there, but they're all hucksters. You will be the soft guy with the money, and a mob of ravenous bloggers will sink their jaws into your larynx.

Of course, Valleywag's commenters will have their own evil ideas for netting a quick million or two. (Won't you, kids?)

• "Am I the only one that is struggling to work from home?" asks someone who lists problems such as weird sleeping patterns, loneliness, and distraction. Dozens respond — some recommend clearly separating the home office from the rest of the house, others share tips on finding outside office space. [Joel on Software]
• Programmer and Y Combinator venture firm member Paul Graham outlines an eighteen-part essay on mistakes that kill startups, including "single founder," "hiring bad programmers," "raising too little money," and "raising too much money." [Paul Graham]
• Hold meetings at the local cafe at your own risk, but follow rules from blogger Liz Gannes. (For instance, pick a cafe without loud music.) [Web Worker Daily]
• Venture capitalist Paul Kedrosky lists airport survival tricks: avoid lines with strollers and wheelchairs, and sit outside premium lounges to mooch free wifi. [Paul Kedrosky]

Fortune calls Google's co-founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin, and CEO Eric Schmidt, a triumvirate. But it's certainly not an equal one. Larry and Sergey have always really been in charge, with Eric around mostly to pacify investors. The magazine's recent cover story, "Chaos by Design," refers to a few Google deals brokered or inspired by Sergey Brin (the purchase of what became Google Earth, a $900 million advertising deal), while ignoring the lesser deals made by Eric Schmidt (such as a deal to include Google data in Intuit's Quickbooks accounting software).

And therein lies the litmus test. If Sergey makes a deal, it's meaningful (if not company-changing.) If Larry makes a deal, he's really Sergey in disguise. But Eric? Don't mind him. His deals seem to start when he sees a fellow exec at a barbecue and says, "You know, we should really do a project together."

Chaos by Design [Fortune]
Earlier: Deal or No Deal: Why is Google announcing so many partnerships? [Valleywag]

Asking a computer science major to fix your computer is like asking a premed to prescribe you medicine or asking a history major what he did last night. They might know the answer, but it might also be a pretty bad idea.

Next time a barmate asks you to come over and make Counterstrike work, just slap 'em with this page — or, if they're datable, brush up on Windows for Dummies.

I'm a computer scientist, not your tech support [Princetonian]

Facebook, for example, lived at Thefacebook.com before moving to Facebook.com. The PodTech podcast network uses PodTech.net, while an unrelated company, Pod Technologies, owns Podtech.com. How do sites like these make do?

• PodTech incorporates the .net into its logo and adds the word "network" to its name, though it's casually referred to without the .net.
• Similarly, Upcoming.org keeps the domain in the title. As a bonus, that turns a generic word into a brand name.
• The .tv domain is popular among online shows like This Week in Tech at TWiT.TV.
• Del.icio.us relied on a quirky name, but it didn't hurt to eventually buy Delicious.com.
• (Speaking of buying out the dot-com — hey, can't avoid it forever — PodTech.com might be for sale.)
• A high search rank beats a domain name any day. Pitchfork doesn't own Pitchfork.com, but it owns the search term. On most browsers, someone looking for this music review site could even enter "pitchfork" alone and go straight to the right site. (Farmers, however, are screwed.)

Just don't bother with .info and .biz. That's so trashy.

Relevant: I remember hearing this a million times in church youth group. It works about as well for your company's niche content as it did for the book of Leviticus.

Action item: You mean "task"? Lay off the productivity blogs, hombre.

Leverage: You were on thin ice back when that was just a noun. As a verb? Don't make us leverage your jaw shut.

Feel better without those words? Now you have room to add one!

E-gnore: To disregard e-mails, texts, and IMs. You can do it for about one week with acquaintances, two days with close contacts and still escape with an apology.

1. Don't follow up e-mail pitches ("I was wondering if you had the chance to read this material," said the SS PR message. Oh, I had the chance. I also had the chance to watch Ron Popeil infomercials). The journalist you pitched probably gets ten to a hundred of pitches a day and deleted yours. This time you're marked as spam.
2. Life is not LinkedIn. Do not try to "make contact" with every nearby human being. There's a reason that "making contact" sounds like something you do with aliens.
3. There is such a thing as bad PR. Don't try to prove it.
4. Tech writers are cranky. (They're surrounded by geeks and suits who make twice their income right out of college but can't put a sentence together.) Ply them with drink.
5. Before you send an irrelevant press release, count to 10. If you still feel like sending it, count to 20.

Still worried you'll come off as a flack? Below, other PR-plagued writers share their horror stories.

Ex-writer Kourosh Karimkhany ("Identify me as 'burnt-out former wire service reporter'") has some anti-flack anger to work out with his therapist:

From my days at Bloomberg/Reuters/Wired, sure. Got plenty.

1. Don't send postal mail. 2. Don't send a fax. 3. If you call make sure you keep the pitch to 10 seconds. If you don't have me in 10 seconds, you're never gonna get me. 4. Spell and pronounce my name right.

5. Embargoes are satan spawn. Please realize that we as journalists know exactly why there are embargoes: to meet the deadlines and timelines of the marketing department. No self-respecting journalist — even sleazy ones like the ones at [gaming blog] Kotaku — would EVER want to go along with your marketing department's plans.

One writer says, "Don't call around deadline time [4-6 PM Eastern]. Actually, don't call, period. E-mail is just fine, unless we already know you."

Valleywag owner Nick Denton wrote about Silicon Valley for the Financial Times. He adds, "Don't ask for information that you can find on the website, e.g., 'Could you tell me the name of the editor?'" Also, "If you're taking an exec round for a demo, keep them wanting more. Nothing worse than being forced to sit through an hour-long demo that should have taken 10 minutes."

Publicist Paula Gould says she gets along with journalists because she doesn't "tackle them at conferences or stalk them. I hate those kinds of publicists. They expend a tremendous amount of energy on very little return."

At the very least, don't be creepy. "One time," says CNET writer Nicole Lee, "at this big trade show, a PR guy tried to set up an appointment with me. And i figured, last day of show, sure. I figured he had a booth or whatever.

"But no. he just had this hotel room. And it was a small company i hardly heard of. And he wanted me to show up in the hotel. And I'm like, 'Ummmmmm.... can we meet at the trade show?' And he's all 'no... it's too much trouble.'"

She didn't go.

• Point out every joy in life as a sign of "bubble excess." No one gets credit for calling "bubble" if the house band is the reanimated bodies of the Beatles. That's why you must point out everything — a giant rocking horse, a rooftop party, any in-office snacks more elaborate than a bag of stale Cheetos — as a sign that the whole industry has gotten wildly out of control and is due for an earth-shattering crash.
• Refer ironically to "Web 2.0." If anyone asks you what it means, mutter something about pastel colors, rounded corners, and Ajax. Smirk while you are doing so, to show that pastel boxes are FUNNY AS HELL, but you're too cool to smile. (And smiling causes laugh lines that make you look old.)

• Complain about "sausage parties." At every party with a wide majority of male attendees, complain loudly that more women were not invited. Do this so you don't actually have to interact with the women who came to this party, because they are boring and ugly. Hot, engaging women only go to parties with lots of other women.
• Be under 35. Better, be under 21. If you are not under 35, pretend you are (no laugh lines!) or get married and then become swingers. All sexy people over 35 are actually swingers.
• Have a profile on every social site. Have a LiveJournal, a Facebook, even a 43 People account. But here's the trick — don't actually use them. Just use one, either something old like Tribe, or something new like Vox, and if anyone asks for an "add" on the others, explain that you forgot that site was around because you're just so busy nowadays. This makes you look more important than (but just as "plugged in" as) the other person.

Photo of Kris Tate (under 21) by Thomas Hawk [Flickr]

Business 2.0 Magazine thinks you should recruit employees at Burning Man. They're wrong.

1. Her r sum is printed on rolling paper.
2. This is actually how Google hired Eric Schmidt. QED.
3. Burners demand vacation time for Burning Man. If this guy becomes your network administrator, what happens when a hacker convention picks your intranet as a group project in mid-August?
4. When you met him, he was on LSD.
5. When you met him, YOU were on LSD.
6. And naked.
7. Speaking of being naked, just where did you pull your business card from?
8. Burners learn how to build an entire city of creative sculptures, communities, and infrastructure — and then wipe it out after a week.
9. Her career goals include "overthrow of the capitalist hegemony."
10. All your schmoozing is harshing our buzz, dude.

Talent hunting in the counterculture [Business 2.0]
Photo by DogFromSPACE [Flickr]

• Google + Apple = Gapple, also Gpple
• Sun Microsystems + Apple = Snapple
• Yahoo + Google = Yahoogle
• Yahoo + eBay = Yahweh or Heeb
• Google + Microsoft = Googlesoft
• Google + Amazon = Googlezon

It helps to think of the prefix company as the "top" in the relationship, and the suffix company as the "bottom."

Image by Chris Messina [Flickr]

It would be rude, of course, to just ask your Google friend, "Can you buy our drinks from now on?" So we asked a few Googlers how to separate the rich from the poor. The following tips all come from employees at the Mountain View Googleplex.

• "I'd say: 'Did you start before me?'" The rule of thumb, everyone agrees, is the start date. Pre-IPO employees made bank. But no one wants to reveal other magic dates. Just know that earlier is better.
• They drive a crappy car. The usual nouveau-riche status symbol won't work with Googlers. (There's a subtler sign in a Googler's car choice — more on that later.)
• Engineers are the real winners. No one's sure just how much richer the geeks are than the ad-sales wonks and other early Googlers, but there's definitely a class divide — not that anyone acts like it at the office.

Read on for the real secret to spotting a rich Googler in the parking lot.

• Rich Googlers keep a home in San Francisco and another in Mountain View.
• Their weekend plans involve airplanes and/or beaches and/or simulated zero gravity.
• They purchase a second car simply because they're curious to run an experiment on hybrid efficiency.
• They only go home to sleep, but they still employ a housecleaner and a gardener.
• They retire at the age of 28 and say that they kept working those last two years because they loved the job.
• "They hire a team of nannies. They have to hire a personal chef just to cook for the nannies." Okay, the cook was a joke, but this Googler was dead serious about the nannie squad.

The takeaway principle? It's all in the discreet expenses. Googlers "live like they're poor undergrads," says one of the company's newer hires. In other words, don't look for glam — look for conveniences and eco-friendly frivolity.

• Web 2.0 start-up Kiko gets auctioned off for $50K. Kinda like that chick from "Family Matters" whose boyfriend pimped her out to porn. And both heed the disclaimer: Past traffic is no guarantee of future traffic. [Ebay]
• The Web 2.Ooh Hotties Men's Round turns positively political as contestant Jonathan Grubb accuses competitor Auren Hoffman of being a Bush fan. What's worse is he has proof and he's willing to use it. [Jonathan Grubb's Blog]
• Sometimes-journalist/PT Rogue Blogger Nick Carr pulls a Scarface on the blogosphere, and everyone in the gang shoots back. While some liken Carr to a troll, TechCrunch blogger Michael Arrington asks, "Robin Hood or asshole?" A bit of both. [Nick Carr's Blog, CrunchNotes, Rex Hammock's Blog, BB Gun]
• Dot-Com Survivor cum Inarticulate Blogger shares some helpful tips about entrepreneurial failure. Remember always use the front of your hand for bitch-slapping. It packs more of a punch. [I Got News For You]
• Say goodbye to our big brother Sploid, whose future, like any 13-year-old at a "Girls Gone Wild" party, dictates it be whored off to the lowest bidder. [Sploid]
• We know no one really gives a shit about Chuck Norris lookalikes in cryptology, but we needed one more item. [Geekz]

Written by Gottfried the Intern

• He comments on every blog that mentions his company. When the startup Sharpcast sponsored this week's GigaOM relaunch party, many attendees had no idea what the company does. Supr.c.ilio.us blogger Eran Globen noted this; so did I. CEO Gibu Thomas responded to Eran. Even if Gibu is Googling himself all day, can't he hand this work off to a flack?
• He's sending out his own press releases. When a friend of mine got a release signed by the company's CEO, he imagined this guy tapping out all his own corporate messages instead of managing his business.
• He or she shows up at every party. There's nothing wrong with attending several good conferences, but dominating the schmooze circuit is useless to most CEOs. Why not take some of those days off for one-on-one meetings with contacts?
• He hands me his business card but doesn't take time to chat with me. That was JanRain CEO Scott Kveton's mistake at the aforementioned party. I don't know who Scott is or what JanRain does, but I know there's a good reason his business card is printed cheaply — he must buy these things in bulk.

• If you're going international, stash your laptop; US airports are banning carry-on electronics for overseas flights.
• You bring a book. Because airport bookstores are only carrying Freakonomics (which you read last year) and the latest Dan Brown knockoff.
• You may be asked to check your cell phone as well. Which, in the case of a real terrorist hijacking, would make for a terrific situation.
• No liquids means you can't bring that Starbucks with you — lucky you, you get airline coffee!
• I'd tell you to stow your sunscreen, but we both know you aren't getting any sun anyway.
• That prototype media player for Microsoft? That should probably stay home altogether.
• Sigh. Your iPod's probably safe.

Go Without a Laptop? Travelers to London Wring Their Free Hands [LA Times]

But there are a few questions you really ought to avoid.

1. How much time do I have to waste here before my options vest and I can split?
2. What's the totty ratio?
3. Did you get on TechCrunch yet?
4. Can I get an unpaid internship?
5. How far is company HQ from the back door of the Googleplex cafeteria?
6. What's your Web 2.0 sign?

Joining A Startup? Top 6 Questions You Should Ask [OnStartups.com]

1. Sign up for an account. If you're actually under 50, lie about your age, just like you did to get into MySpace's preteen section.
2. Upload a photo of yourself at 20. If it's black and white, colorize it first and add a Nike logo for realism. Swear to anyone who contacts you that this is how you still look.
3. On your profile page, Eons asks, "What are your favorite movies?" along with the line, "Tell us which films you remember best." Eons is condescending to you; prove your memory isn't failing you by reciting the entire script of your favorite film, The Wizard of...um...Gone with the Wizard of the Wind, that's what it was called. Yes. You remember it like it was yesterday.

4. When Eons asks "Who are your heroes?" don't put "Kennedy." That's like naming John Lennon as your favorite musician; it's cliched and it'll only make everyone remember where they were when he died.
5. "Now that you are over 50, what are you doing that you never thought you would?" Write "Joining an Internet club, dumbass."
6. Now, see that obituaries button at the top? And the longevity calculator at the bottom? Don't let that creep you out. Instead, use the longevity calculator to make bets with your friends on who will croak first.
7. Then set Eon's "obit alerts" to keep you up to date on your friends. (Not sure how obit alerts work — are they run by a "dead man's switch"?)
8. When your friends die, you win fifty bucks! Spend it at Denny's!

Eons [Official site]

If you think that's a joke, you haven't been in Silicon Valley long enough. But just for fun, here are thirteen other Valley pickup lines to avoid:

1. Let me show you my Om face. [invented by Kevin Burton]
2. Nice shoes. Wanna TechCrunch?
3. There's a launch party in my pants and you're invited.
4. I see I'm already giving you a liquidation event.
5. Let's mashup.
6. Let's go park on Sand Hill Road.
7. Can I take you South of Market?
8. Looks like your Yahoo could use a Flickr.
9. Are your YouTubes tied?
10. I'm in UI, can I be in U?
11. You're so fine I'd drink your Kool-Aid.
12. Just you, me, and my podcast audience.
13. I wanna go voip, voip, voip.

1. Have a revenue model, right now: 30 Boxes, twttr
2. Be a complete business, not just a feature: Slide
3. Affect real people, not just bloggers: Share Your OPML
4. Get a real, memorable name: Tagged/Tagworld/TagJag, Meebo/Meetro, Oodle/Ookles/Odeo
5. If applicable, get unaffiliated with Web 2.0: Everyone.
6. Find some friends who don't drink the kool-aid and get their honest feedback: People Aggregator
7. If you are revolutionary, make sure that a revolution is coming: Pinko Marketing
8. If you are evolutionary, then there needs to be a big enough market to address with a "we're a little better than them" vision: Zooomr
9. Fit your business into an existing food chain: Everyone except Craigslist
10. Do not expect to be Google and, just as importantly, do not expect them to buy you: AOL
11. Ignore the hype and have fun: TechCrunch

11 Suggestions For Not Being a Dot-Bomb 2.0 [Dead2.0]

• Strike from the dark. Stay anonymous in Round 1. Send your tips to trusted scandal clearinghouses — your forum buddies, old friends, anyone you'd share coke on a stripper's belly with (and, in '99, probably did). It's not passive aggressive, it's the art of war.
• Spammity spam spam. Not you, your enemies. Somewhere, somehow, every techie worth striking down has made some exchange (other than "send to trash") with someone you could call a spammer. Play off the tech world's conceit that upon meeting a spammer, it's criminal to not kick them between the legs and steal their lunch money. With enough finesse, you can turn an innocent exchange into scandal and feed it to a gullible blogger.

• Crime doesn't pay. Keep the attacks personal and ambiguous. Experts call it FUD — fear, uncertainty, and doubt. If you actually accuse your enemy of a crime, you're liable for libel.
• Your best friends live under bridges. You're not aiming for the stars here. Trolls are your friends in low places. Take your smear to YTMND, a hive of novelty-site makers who love a good battle. (See what they did to the founder of Ebaum's World.) Get linked from the newshounds at Digg. Notify the quasi-journalists. Then watch the blogger army spread your FUD.
• Never let them see you bleed. Remember rule #1 from James Bond's gadget man when the inevitable backlash begins. Stand your ground. It's not a backfire, it's just part of war.
• Always have an escape plan. You don't want to follow Q's rule #2 — how could anything go wrong? — but plan your getaway now, before you're clenched up with fear like a baby in Britney's hands. And remember, you can come back in five years and no one will remember your little mudfight.

Obviously, you suggest a panel that demands your expertise — 'cause that gets you in for free and might get you laid — but what should you suggest? Nothing too broad; then they'll find better panelists. Nothing too narrow; they'll reject it. And it needs to feel fresh. Submit a panel that perfectly matches the talents of you (and three of your best friends):

Whither Ask?
Now that Ask.com has dominated the market for people who still try to ask the Internet questions ("Hey Internet, what happened to that guy from Seinfeld?"), what clueless populace will it serve next? Employees from MySpace, Xanga, and Classmates.com share strategies for serving dumb people on the Internet.

Where do I spend all this money?
Ask a panel of shopping experts where to fritter away your recent $3 million windfall, earned when Fox Interactive paid too much for your startup.

Let's talk stalks
The possibilities for hunting people down online multiply dizzyingly as more and more people put their social lives on the Net. Learn how to peek through every window, from four convicted offenders and a Google ad sales rep.

SXSW [Official site]

The Wordpress blog platform creator's business card simply reads, "1. Go to Google. 2. Type 'Matt.' 3. Click 'I feel lucky.'" But when Matt's Google score tanked, his card was useless for a few days.

Thankfully, in the tough world of schmoozing, the Google trick is just one of the...

Five ways to make business cards that people keep

• Rely on your Google rank. Go one step further than Matt and just print your name, as photographer Jake Appelbaum does. Just be sure your home page has your contact info.
• Hire a real designer. They can pull off slick layouts that you won't find in Microsoft Publisher.
• Say something clever. Not a stupid title — "VP of fun" sounds so 1996 — but something like this photographer's card, which reads, "If you let me take your photo, thanks! If not, here you go anyway."
• Round the corners. It feels Web 2.0, and it's gentler on the fingers.
• Leave some white space. Business cards are still the best place to write down contextual info for a new contact.

Banned from Google [Photo Matt]
Photo: Dead Business [Romanlily on Flickr]

• Dave lists five ways to tune into BloggerCon on his blog.
• Among those is the #bloggercon IRC channel, on irc.freenode.net, accessible through a Windows program and an OS X program. This backchannel is more useful, less snarky than the one at Supernova. (Probably because the discussions here are more down-to-earth.)
• Follow the conference at its home blog, especially if you plan to stop by for one of the lunches and dinners and such.
• On the home blog, Dave's posting mp3s of the sessions, like this session on tools.
• To listen live (all today and tomorrow), plug this URL into your favorite media player: http://smartstr.wm.llnwd.net/smartstr_liveces
• And, of course, everybody's blogging it.

How to tune into BloggerCon [Dave Winer's blog]

• Blogger Jeremiah Owyang took studious notes from yesterday's talks, replacing six hours of talk with ten minutes of nitty-gritty.
• Supernova has its own official notes, much longer than Jeremiah's.
• The Supernova Media Center links to a live audio feed of today's talks, as well as podcasts and vlogs of the con.
• Grab an IRC program (for Windows or OS X) and log onto the #supernova channel on irc.freenode.net. That's the backchannel for the conference, where technologist David Weinberger is holding court among the snarkers under the name "DavidJoho".

1. Get a real ISP for a sponsor. AT&T proved here that it can't handle the job.
2. Know how people will choke your network. At a gamer conference, if you're lucky, everyone will be on World of Warcraft — a bandwidth sipper that runs on dialup speeds. At a vlogging conference, the upload traffic will choke in minutes. And at Supernova, broadcasting through high-bandwidth virtual world Second Life invites constant hogging, both up and down.
3. Build a firewall. A last resort, but it kills Bittorrent use.
4. Hand out EVDO cards. Let everyone choke Sprint instead.

To be fair, Supernova's wifi earns points for having any working wifi at all. After the jump, see what they did right.

1. Split the network into several SSIDs. Segment the network so it doesn't get choked by multicast.
2. Warn attendees. Remind everyone at the conference — every few hours — to shut down Bittorrent, save the World Cup watching for the bar TV, and chill out on the iTunes streaming.
3. In an emergency, kick it up a notch. In the late morning, Supernova added two extra access points. Way to adapt!

Take, for instance, their newest attention-getting list, 50 People Who Matter. It's a perfect guide to:

How to make an A-list

• Build the core of the list with solid perennial picks whom everyone recognizes. BusinessWeek chose superstar leaders like Steve Jobs, Richard Branson, Oracle CEO Larry Ellison, and Oprah Winfrey. For, say, a "Greatest American" list, pick Ben Franklin, Thomas Edison, and Oprah Winfrey.
• Pick some up-and-comers that already earned inordinate press attention. Here, B2.0 chose the Flickr co-founders, a hotshot developer from 37signals, Digg founder Kevin Rose, and Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales.

More rules of king-making, after the jump.

• Prop up the list with respectable but lesser-known stalwarts for the most loyal readers. This is where B2.0 brings in the bankers, CEOs of unsexy companies, and small-time media moguls.
• Supplement with three or four side articles. In this case, 10 people who don't matter, the "Do you know who matters" quiz, and How we chose the 50. In fact, always run a "who's not cool," a quiz, and a methodology piece. Then jot down an intro and you're golden.

50 People Who Matter [Business 2.0]

• Hold the stage until the hook pulls you off. Just yesterday, Taylor was talking up Windows Live Messenger with the PR team. (Microsoft blogger Robert Scoble did the same, playing the company stooge on a public podcast recording.)
• Pick a less accessible news outlet. Mere mortals can't get at most Bloomberg articles and must settle for text-only lists of story abstracts. Now other reporters have to break through Bloomberg's wall to get at the official story.

• Poise a finger over the button. Select Mr. To-be-fired's bio, hit delete, and push "publish" just as the news breaks. Replace it with a terse line like Microsoft's: "Martin Taylor is no longer with Microsoft."
• Oh, and: Get fired out of the blue. That helps kill long goodbyes. Business 2.0 says the unusual departure means Taylor's exit wasn't up to him.
• If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Give Taylor a month or two, and see if he's not in the queue at the Googleplex. (Of course, if he wants the job, he'll have to answer the "farmer, fox, and chicken crossing a stream" puzzle like everyone else.)

Microsoft's Google fighter leaves abruptly [Business 2.0/Fortune]

But it's not as if Yahoo's the only search engine worth boycotting. Google's a scary hegemony that keeps all your data. MSN is run by the monopolists at Microsoft. AOL search is just too lousy to use. And every engine censors — some are just more honest about it. Any real boycotter has to get out of search altogether.

So how can an Internet user survive without search? The list is after the jump.

"You can't," says Chris Pirillo, the blogger who "Googlefasted" for two weeks. He got used to using Yahoo and his own tool, Gada.be, but living without search? "Might as well kill yourself." Oh ye of little faith!

• Call the library. The New York Public Library has a crack team on call (pictured), according to today's New York Times. "Every day, except Sundays and holidays, between 9 a.m. and 6 p.m., anyone, of any age, from anywhere can telephone (212) 340-0849 and ask most any question." Won't work for porn searches, but you can always ask what they're wearing.
• Ask chatters. Simple questions ("where I get free World of Warcraft plz") work in AOL chat rooms. Actually better than Google, which expects you to spell things correctly.
• Okay, AOL chatters know less than you do. Ask on an IRC channel.
• Enter whatever-search-terms.com — it probably won't be what you want, but if you're lucky, it won't be a malicious hacker's squatting site.
• Look it up in your 1989 Britannica. See, there's your answer: O.J. Simpson is "a popular football player."
• Let go of the search. Walk outside, feel the earth between your toes. Doesn't that feel better than searching? No? Oh heck, Googling just this once won't hurt anyone.

Yahoo! clear worst offender in censorship tests on search engines [Reporters Without Borders]

Supernova 2006 [Official site]

1. Check the numbers: Digg rejects Weblogs, Inc. Long before Kevin Rose's social news site reportedly rejected $40 million from Yahoo, Rose (pictured) rejected $4 million from Jason Calacanis, owner of blog network Weblogs, Inc. Did it seem like a great deal? Sure, until Rose examined the deal more closely. If he accepted, he'd give up control of Digg — and only end up with one million bucks, all said and done. Now, with Calacanis launching his own social news site at AOL's Netscape, Rose has no reason to worry — Digg's about to launch a souped-up new version to blow Netscape back out of the water.

2. Don't get cocky: Facebook rejects Yahoo This failed deal (only reported here on Valleywag may have been the last hope for Facebook. The school-based social site needs a buyout or IPO to pay back some heavy venture capital investments. With a growing staff bringing high operating costs, and sparse ads and partnerships on the site, Facebook is nowhere meeting the newer, more rigorous standards for a public offering. So when Yahoo offered a reported $1.4 billion buyout, why didn't Facebook jump into the arms of its white knight? Because someone in charge — at this point, probably the VCs — is holding out for $2 billion. Will anyone offer that before Facebook's old and busted? Don't bet on it.
3. Don't burn the bridge: Chris Pirillo rejects Microsoft Just a few months ago, the already-successful tech pundit Chris Pirillo eyed Microsoft as an employer. After some interviews, Microsoft made an offer to the former Tech TV host. Their price was too low, but the affair ended amicably — Microsoft is still the major sponsor at Chris's annual tech conference, Gnomedex.

Hey [patron],

Great to see you at [grudgingly attended launch party; PR-run demo fest; journalist drinking night; "optional" meeting; Larry Ellison's bedroom]! What happened to that [stupid conversation topic, I couldn't care less but I can fake interest for a paragraph or two]? My job's going great — except for [the customers; the boss; the po-po — there are rapes and murders out there and they care about a little coke, stupid cops].

Hey, by the way, I just realized this thing that is definitely not why I'm e-mailing you! I need [to get onto the Googleplex for a mango lassi; six million dollars; a speaker at my conference, "Whither RSS?"] And I'd be so grateful if you [didn't tell them I work for Yahoo; didn't charge me interest; didn't tell Dave Winer].

Thanks again! I'm gonna go [give extra time to your client's project — get the hint?; name-drop you in the SF Chronicle — get the hint?; put in a good word with Steve Jurvetson — get the hint?].

— [You, Mr. Beggy McBeggarson.]